search for a partner.
About 5 years ago (sometime in 2008/2009), I did a write up, intended towards those who would consider being my partner. I don’t know if anyone (of my prospective partners) read it. This is another attempt, for the earlier one probably was too terse and arrogant.
Short overview to help you decide on whether to continue reading.1
I am atheist (for most practical purposes), liberal (probably too liberal), curious, etc. I have questioned many of my prejudices. I have uncommon thoughts on religion, marriage, education, learning etc. This essay is intended to be a conversation starter, with someone who might have similar thoughts. Unfortunately I don’t know of any better way to reach the ones I am looking for. My effort is not to convince you, but to explain my point of view, so if you have somewhat similar thoughts (and are a girl looking for a partner) then probably we could start a conversation. If you stumble upon this document, don’t read it unless you are comfortable with reading liberal (much more liberal that what liberal means in most conversations)2 thoughts on the above topics.
To someone considering me as partner.
I guess most women would avoid conversation with strangers, for the fear of stumbling upon a freak, who would turn out to be trouble. If you can believe me, I am not a person who would bother you, if you don’t want me to3. I would like you to make your own decision, not force one on you. Rather its a common theme among the topics discussed below. E.g: You forming your own opinions, than following others.
On to the main topic
I will pick a few topics, from my older essay, and explain them further. In essence, what I would like to convey, is that the choices I make are based on questioning my prejudices, asking (with my understanding) where a behaviour comes from, how feasible it is, how much meaningful does it make life. etc. This is not about right or wrong, but rather the choices I made and the reasoning behind them.
I describe myself as atheist. More precisely, I don’t care about the question of God4. If there is (atleast?) one, then so be it. If there is none, then it be so. Either way, I am not concerned. I call myself as atheist, in most conversations, because otherwise most people interpret my situation as open to suggestion. And assume that their nudging might somehow swing to believing in god. As far as I can predict, that is never going to happen. I think now a days, atheism is somewhat acceptable, in some social circles (mostly cities). But from the perspective of finding a partner, I haven’t come across enough women, who would describe themselves as atheist/agnostic.
Please do understand that belief in god is not something I am against. Rather, I find a kind of beauty/calm in people who have strong belief in God (not in rituals). Its just that I can’t think of myself sharing life with someone having belief in god.
What concerns me, is religion, and all bad things done in its name. Again, I respect many religious people. Most of my family, relatives, friends are religious. In those small circles, I think religion is kind of nice5 (at least for the people who would like to follow it). But I think, there are limits to religion being nice. There are bigger crimes being done, in its name (E.g: wars and money hoarding). I think, its inevitable for religion to be used to cause trouble. Its a magnet for power hungry people (similar to politics, and hence (i would conclude) their interplay). A designation with too much power, is usually exploited, sooner or later.
Similar to my stand on belief (e.g: agnostic), I don’t care about marriage (or its significance in society). It might be difficult for society to accept pair of people, without an agreement (marriage). But that should not be a couples problem. In other words, I am not talking about whats right/wrong for society. I am talking about myself. And to me, it doesn’t matter whether me and my partner have a certificate certifying that we are partners. To me, what matters is that my partner is with me, because she wants to be with me.
Part of it is also for her to be independent (earning and working on her interests etc). Because, if she/we figure out that things won’t work between us, she should be perfectly capable of making a decision, without thinking about her dependency on me, or mine on her. Its important because of how different a relation with me would be. I think it won’t be easy for most, if they come with usual expectations. In other words, we should be partners, because we want to be partners. Because we like/enjoy each others company.
To get there, I would suggest to have a relation for a few years. Marriage would probably be something i do, just to save ourselves or our kid/s (if we have (we are jumping too many hoops here)) from legalities. In other words, I can’t have relation with someone, because her concern is marriage (and all the exaggerations that come with it) rather than figuring out each other6.
Lately, I am of the opinion that I am not going to consider commitment, unless we both can have a relation which enables growth, in terms of perspectives, opinions, work, life etc. This is a difficult thing to ask. And I would rather be clear about it upfront, than setup wrong expectation. If you care, please ask me questions when we meet. And remember, there is nothing to loose, in meeting me, except for the time spent.
I am somewhat curious person. I sometimes make people uncomfortable with my curiosity. If they allow me to, I will ask too many questions. Many of them would be in a matter of fact tone. I could bring up difficult topics, without hesitation/shame (mostly because (I think) I don’t have the same prejudices as most others (Doesn’t mean I don’t have any prejudices, just that they probably are different)). The curiosiry is towards understand other persons view/context. I am usually trying to find out there view of the world, or sometimes push limits of there thought, or understand mine better.
But its very rare to find people who are interested (with open mind) in such conversations, even though most say so. In the conversations, people are usually trying to tell me, how wrong I am. I have learned not to trouble people with my questions. Either because they want to live a comfortable life or because they would not accept the implications of my curiosity.
Much of my opinions are shaped by my curiosity. E.g: my opinions on belief, marriage, relations, learning, living etc. Some of them are uncommon opinions. Questioning prejudices is kinda the starting for them. I guess my partner has to have an attitude of questioning prejudices (prejudices probably would be inherited from context (family/society)). She should be able to make her choices not because they were the defaults, but because she thought about them. She should be able to challenge my prejudices. Note that its not about proving each other wrong, but rather figuring out a meaningful life with each other.
As an update, in recent times, I am mostly concerned about topics that I find interesting. I guess its about getting old.
I sometimes have trouble managing my emotions. And almost all the time, its because I have no outlet for them. And because I mostly lead a lonely life, emotionally. I just don’t have a relation where I can feel an affection and acceptance of my existence, the way I am. There is also the helplessness, and improbability of finding such a relation. I don’t know how (or how long) I will manage this. Hope is, I would be able to find someone, and have a relation where there is understanding, affection, acceptance of each others existence, and trust in each other.
I guess you now have an idea of the kind of opinions I nurture. There is some method in how I arrive at them. Many are based on questioning my prejudices, and how sensible they are, with the life I live. Others are based on what I (mis)understand of brain. Many others on how I think humans might have evolved. I think we are living in a era of exaggeration. We have exaggerated food, exaggerated entertainment, exaggerated conveniences, etc. Some of my choices come from what I think are exaggeration or unreasonable or random chaoices, and could be avoided. Doesn’t mean that I contemplate and live only by reasoning (I don’t think its even possible), but I certainly do like to understand more about what influences me and in general us. Its a big topic in itself. Probably another blog post.
On what my trip in life is
I don’t care about changing the world. If at all, the idea society I can imagine, is one where people accept others, and reason about things, rather than create taboos. Its difficult (if not impossible task), given our defaults. Its unfair to people, who are already used to their current context. I do commend and respect people who put effort into make it a better place. But I am not into that either. I care about perspectives. About understanding and viewing things in different ways. I look for perspectives about brain (its the origing of most other context). Perspectives in programming. Perspectives in maths. Perspectives in society and living with each other. There are too many to explore and understand. Its like viewing things in different way. Gaining a new insight.
Towards a conclusion?
If you have reached here, and are still interested, then why not start a conversation? I have been writing about myself a lot, essentially because i don’t know how else I can get someone interesting to have a conversation with me. I don’t even know how I can reach them. If you are one, then I would be really interested in knowing you. As I have mentioned earlier. I am a curious person. I would like to understand you, if you are comfortable with it. But first I have to know if there is any hope for us. Thats part of the reason for this post. So, let me know, if you would be interested in having a conversation. Where it leads to, is something we can figure out, with time.
Details matter. You will read more details, if you read rest of the article. The summary is for you to judge whether you want to read the details. Its a simplification, so you can judge, if ↩
Every society has its definiton of liberal. Things that are taboo in one, might not be in other. I am not talking about social definition of liberal (although it limits my actions/options). Its about an understanding that our definitions of liberal are defined by our context. ↩
If you let me know, that we shouldn’t continue, I will stop, however painful the experience is to me (this is a hypothesis, but from what i know of myself, i can state it confidently). I have gone through enough to understand that I would be able to avoid uncomfortable situation for the other person (once its made clear to me). ↩
And I don’t care about spiritualism either. Well, I don’t even know what it means. If it means living in peace with nature then I guess I like that thought, if it means everything has a spirit etc, then I am skeptical. ↩
Religion seems to have some effect on happiness. And I guess, it helps with some form of social bonding. Closer than what would be otherwise. Its also probably the first explicit introduction to morality, for childrens. As always, things are not straight forward. But, the point is, it seems to be helpful, in some ways. ↩
Probably my ideal marriage ceremony would be, with a group of concerned people, with no centre stage (kinda like a party), may be everyone preparing a meal together, and later eating/drinking it. Kinda like an informal gathering, but just that the occasion would be me and my partner getting married. And the thought would be to introduce/know people (particularly the couple). And the way would be to talk with people, rather than be at some stage with fancy dress, and fancier ceremonies. ↩